Our Adoption Story

Last February Adam and I made a big decision.  The decision was so big that it not only changed our entire year, it would change our entire life.  We didn't make the decision lightly and felt at peace once it was made so we moved forward trusting that it was indeed something that we should pursue.  We decided to adopt a baby. We already had too many kids to be able to work with LDS social services and we really wanted to find a baby that wouldn't necessary go to an LDS home otherwise and who really needed it.  We initially started to look at international adoption but after hearing that 75% of African American births in the United States are out of wedlock and knowing several families that have adopted AA children we decided that we could really make the difference in the life of one of these kids.

We started doing all of the paperwork and Dr. appts, and background checks and had a home study done on March 5, 2011.  Having the social worker visit our home was the last thing we had to do as part of the application process.  At the end of the interview the social worker who has done home studies for the agency for 5 years told us that she really thought that things would move VERY quickly for us and we needed to be prepared to be getting phone calls right away.  She told us about all of these placements that happened within a matter of weeks.  She also told us she would turn her report in to the agency within the next 3 days and that we would get our official approval at the weekly approval meetings held on the following Wednesday.  Well, to make a long story short she didn't turn her report in for an entire month and then when we were finally approved we didn't hear from the agency for 5 months!  We both agree that we wish the social worker had been more realistic with us.

This year we have learned that the adoption process is not for the faint of heart.  How this agency works is they will give some basic non-identifying information about a birthmom if you match what she is looking for and you can decide if you want them to show your profile to her.  You have to be ok with everything they have given you because if she picks you you are considered "matched" at that moment and the process moves forward. After 5 months of nothing the very first birthmom to look at our profile back in August picked us and since the baby had already been born it started a whirlwind of activity.  Within a few short days of being "matched" we had met the birthmom and baby and showed up to sign papers and take him home only to find out she was having second thoughts and would decide the next morning if she was actually going to go through with the placement.  The next morning they called us and told us that she had decided to keep the baby. It all ended as quickly as it had begun and to be honest I was kind of traumatized by the whole experience.  As difficult as it was the thing that scared me the most was that I hadn't really felt a connection to the baby.  I wasn't sure at that point whether we should keep going.  In the adoption process the adoptive family has absolutely no control. They pick you.  You really have to be ok with the unknown and accept the outcome whatever it may be.  It's not easy to put yourself out there with so many unknowns and decide you're going to be ok with whatever happens. It was a huge leap of faith for the both of us to keep going at this point, but we did.

Because we had experienced a failed adoption we were considered "top priority" at the agency from this time forward.  The problem was that we quickly learned that a lot of birthmoms want families that don't already have children, or if it is an AA baby they want a family that already has at least one other AA child..  Almost weekly we would get information on a birthmom and have to make a major decision of whether or not we wanted our profile to be shown.  It seemed none of the situations were ideal and more often then not we were out of our comfort zone with a situation.  For instance the birthmom was having the baby in North Carolina the week of Thanksgiving (if they are out of state you pretty much have to drop everything and go as soon as the baby is born and plan on being there for at least a week. This is difficult to do with 3 busy kids at home), or there are 2 potential birthfathers and one of them doesn't want the baby, but the other will fight the adoption so you have to wait and see when the baby is born whose baby it is and then be ok with a possible custody battle, or the baby is due on Christmas Eve in Pennsylvania and the medical costs are going to be twice as much, or the birthmom smokes 5 packs a day.  Making these decisions was difficult.  In the end we ended up just putting it into Heavenly Father's hands and telling the agency to go ahead and show our profile.  We went through this with 8 different birthmothers and each time they called us back and told us she was moving forward with another family.  By this time we were emotionally exhausted. We started this with the idea we were opening our home to someone who really needed a good family and found ourselves thinking, 'not only do they not need us, they don't even want us!' It was at this point when we were once again wondering if we should continue to move forward that Adam and I separately had significant experiences that told us to keep going even though nothing was making sense and we hadn't felt any divine direction in making these tough decisions.  It was a test of faith beyond anything we have ever experienced.

At the beginning of December Adam came upstairs with the latest birthmom paperwork in hand. "This one is from Atlanta. The baby is a boy, full African American, birthmom is 26  and is 5'9", this is her 6th child, she only has custody of 1 of them, no drug or alcohol use but she smokes, the baby will be born in Utah on Jan 30th." He rattled off the stats like usual and I said, "Sure, show our profile, she's not going to pick us anyway so it doesn't really matter." About an hour after we told the agency to go ahead and show our profile they called us back and said, "Would you be willing to take the 2 1/2 year old brother, too?" We thought about it and told them that yes, we would take him if she decided to place him, too. That was a Monday late afternoon and at noon the next day we got a phone call from the agency saying that she liked our profile and would like to meet us.  We weren't officially matched when we went to the lunch to meet her. We had been through one other lunch like this with the first birthmom and I had left feeling very unsettled.  It had been awkward for me and I had struggled to know what to say. This time around we had more in common--she was from Atlanta and we had lived there for almost 4 years when we were first married.  The conversation was easier to maintain and I left the lunch feeling at peace with it all.  I think the whole situation with the 2 year old would be better covered in a different post so I will talk about that later.

A few days after the lunch they let us know that we were officially matched.  During the lunch we learned that the birthmom had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes and they were going to induce her on January 16th.  A few days after that the baby was measuring so large they changed it to January 8th.  The kids were really excited but because of our previous experience we weren't ready to announce it to everyone.  We all knew that there was a possibility she would not place the baby but going into it I was feeling pretty confident because she never seemed to waiver from her plan.  She seemed pretty set on it.  We had another lunch with just the birthmom and 2 people from the agency a few weeks later.  The week after Christmas she got to meet Britton, Jenna, and Korinne at an arranged playdate with the 2 year old at Jungle Jim's.

On January 4th they let us know that they had scheduled her for a c-section on Friday, January 6th at 7:30 a.m. and she wanted us to be at the hospital.  Later on they let me know that she wanted me in the room for the c-section with Jessica, her caseworker from the agency.  We arrived and I suited up to be in the room for the delivery.  It was quite the experience.  I could have watched the entire operation, but chose to stay behind the curtain by the birthmom's head.  When the baby was delivered they allowed me to move to where the baby was and watch as they did all of the normal baby stuff.  Adam and I were both able to watch them give the baby his first bath.  The birthmom was so exhausted after the operation that we were able to keep the baby in a separate room they gave us to "room in" down the hall from her room for a lot of the first two days. He was born on Friday morning and the adoption papers were signed on Saturday afternoon. The policy is to release the baby at the same time the birthmom is released from the hospital even after the papers are signed and our birthmom was determined to stay in the hospital as long as they would let her so we didn't get to bring him home until this afternoon. 

So, what did we name him?  Well, a few weeks ago we sent a poll out to our families and the few close friends who knew about the adoption and asked them to vote for one of 5 names:

Jameson
Jarrett
Kellen
Trevon
Beckett

The name that received the most votes was. . . (drum roll please) Jameson, so we named him Jameson. True story. That is how we picked the name.  Our friends and family spoke, and we listened.  Plus, he is named after Adam's dad, James David.  The name with the second most votes was Trevon, followed by Kellen.  Beckett and Jarrett tied for last place.  It was VERY important to the birthmom that he be named Marlon so his full name is Marlon Jameson but he will go my Jameson or MJ if we are feeling super nick-namey.

The kids are so excited they can hardly stand it.  Here they are with their new brother.

We arrived home today just before the kids got home from school.  They ran in looking for Jameson and were so excited that he was finally home.  The neighborhood kids were just as excited and they all filed in and gathered around his carseat.  They oohed and aaahed and just sat and watched him for a long time.  Jameson is kind of a novelty around here, and they were loving him.  I'm not sure many of these kids have ever even seen an African American newborn before.  Soon the other Moms in the circle were here, too. It was quite the welcoming party.  We didn't tell very many people in our ward that we were adopting so when it was announced in Sacrament meeting on Sunday there were more than a few people completely surprised. I've always liked a good surprise.